Love is NOT a battlefield...

Love isn’t a battlefield, nor does it hurt!

Everyone has a story…..the truth is, you never know someone’s story the way that individual does!

Have you ever encountered a bully? A bully is someone who uses superior strength or influence to intimidate (someone), typically to force him or her to do what one wants. When I overcame being a victim of domestic violence and transitioned into becoming a ‘survivor’, the one thing I learned was that my falling to the victim role of a bully is where it all began for me to then later in life fall victim to domestic violence. As the years went by, I wanted nothing more then to be loved and ‘fit-in’ which would lead me to make choices into situations there were not ‘in my best interest’ and instead highly likely to harm me. I learned in the end that truth is-“I” make the choices to do what I do, invite whom I do into my life, and that domestic violence doesn’t just show up on someone’s doorstep uninvited. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that a person ‘asks to be beaten on’ whether physically or emotionally, rather, it’s that they don’t just come hunt you down without an open invite of some sort from you that invites it into your life. The invitation to it in my own life, came from a vulnerability I held in this hole I had in my heart that longed to be fulfilled. The hole was there due to rejection as a child. You see, typically a person who seeks control is simply seeking what they have lacked in their life. When you are a person with a hole in your heart, you are seeking something you also have lacked in your life. Incredibly enough, the abuser and the victim are both seeking similarities, yet the abuser is looking for someone to express that control upon, while the victim is looking for someone to fulfill that hole!

In all reality, a lacking as a hole in the heart that longs to be fulfilled can ONLY be fulfilled by Christ(love) and truth is-ONLY Christ Himself can fill it and heal that person!

What I had learned was that that ‘love’ a person with a hole in their heart may be seeking out is a love beyond human’s measurements and not within our own understanding as humans. When we blame others for the actions they perform that we succumb to or fall victim to, truth is-we are simply giving them credits and control for the way we feel and act upon those feelings. When we decide to become accountable and responsible for allowing such destruction into our lives, we then are entering the pathway of recovery-true recovery that ends in being a ‘survivor’!

In daily living, we are free to make choices, yet we all face consequences to the decisions we choose to make. This is true, regardless of the outcomes whether they are detrimental or beneficial to us.

I have learned for myself in life that to overcome an obstacle, it has been much simpler if I first learn about the obstacle itself and become educated and understanding to it.

First thing is first-become EDUCATED as to ‘why’ an abuser may abuse. Remember not to judge someone else’s behaviors and choices when you don’t personally know their options they had-that they chose from! It’s easy to say ‘well if I was him/her I would do this/that’, but truth be told-we don’t know what we’d do, if we aren’t in their skin to know their mindset, their heart, and their perceptions. So, in all actuality, do you know that a person who is classically an abuser may come from a place of:

1. Difficulty tolerating injury. Knowing how to have your feelings hurt without retaliating is an important relationship skill and truth is, some people were never taught that to retaliate and get some type of avenge or revenge is wrong to do.

2. Entitlement. If I think that I have a right to not be hurt or embarrassed, than I’m likely to punish you when my entitlement has been violated. This is a tit for tat. You hurt me so I hurt you.

3. Lack of empathy. We talk about "putting ourselves in other people’s shoes" all the time. Abusive people do put themselves in their partner’s shoes, but they don’t necessarily do it with generosity. They imagine that the other person wants to cause harm.

4. Lack of accountability. Abuse happens in the context of a world that says that it’s okay to hurt others when we are hurt. Abusive partners behave abusively, to some extent, because they can.

5. Unaddressed trauma. Many abusive partners have histories of complex childhood trauma, living in homes where they witnessed or were themselves abused and a history of unresolved trauma can result in high reactivity to injury. For people who grow up in high conflict families, abusive behavior can seem normative. Additionally, some people may have felt their life were out of control, thus, they now want control over their life which extends into truly losing self-control by attempting to control others.

6. They have a disorder. A small number of the population is anti-social personality disorder (sociopath or psychopath) and sadistic. These disorders gain pleasure from seeing others in pain and even more pleasure when they are the ones inflicting the agony. For them, abuse is a means to an end. They abuse others to gain personal pleasure.

7. They watched something. With the advances in technology comes additional exposure at a young age to glorified abuse. Some movies, songs, TV shows, and videos minimize abuse by making fun of it or making it seem normal. A typical example is verbally attacking on another person by name calling or belittling.

8. They grew up with an addict. An addict blames others for the reason they engage in their destructive behavior. While the victims are often forced to remain silent and acceptant of their behavior. The end result is a lot of pent up anger and abusive behavior. As an adult, the victim subconsciously seeks out others to blame for their actions.

9. They don’t understand boundaries. Abusive people tend to lack the understanding of where they end and another person begins. They see their spouse/child/friend as an extension of themselves and therefore that person is not entitled to have any boundaries. The lack of distance means a person is subject to whatever the abuser decides.

10. They are afraid. People who do and say things out of fear tend to use their emotions as justification for why another person needs to do what is demanded. It is as if the fear is so important or powerful that nothing else matters except what is needed to subdue it.

11. They lack empathy. It is far easier to abuse others when there is no empathy for how the victim might feel. Some types of head trauma, personality disorders, and environmental traumas can cause a person to lack the ability to express empathy.

12. They are defensive. Defense mechanisms such as denial, projection, regression, and suppression are utilized when a person is backed into a corner. Instead of taking space, they come out swinging and retaliate in an abusive manner.

There are methods you can utilize in your life to discern things so as to protect yourself from harm of an abuser and stay safe.

1. Watch out for the classic signs: jealousy, controlling(over finances, choices, freedom to come/go, etc.), quick involvement(i.e., moving in together, engaging and wedding), unrealistic expectations(expecting things out of another person that are not reasonable), blaming others for problems(as if someone held a gun to their head and made them choose to do things that led into the problems they have-it’s a lack of accountability and responsibility, aka expectation that if everyone did things a certain way he/she wouldn’t have any problems), blaming others for feelings(blaming the ex for feelings of anger/frustration, etc.), hypersensitivity(overreactive to senses of being offended or criticized), cruelty to animals/children, playful use of force in sex(bdsm-whips/chains to bring on a feel good), verbal abuse(put-downs, statements such as ‘you could not find another to love you the way I do’ or ‘you are lucky I put up with you’, etc.), rigid sex roles(a woman must bow down to a man and be at his ever command), dual personality ‘dr. jekyell and mr. hyde’(moody, loves you as long as you serve him/her-but the moment you don’t-it’s as if the relationship/marriage has now ended, it’s a bipolar or passive/aggressive type of switch in persona), and past battering(does the person have a history of assault and violence whether in dealing with other adults of the same sex or opposite and whether or not it was strictly interpersonal relationships or not).

2. Don’t make blind commitments with another human before you have an opportunity to observe them and how they deal with every aspect of life(i.e., successes, failures, losses, gains, etc.).

3. Take the time to do a ‘character’ check on a person(i.e., this may include a background check, but also observe and talk with friends/family members of the person and get to know who and how the person is as well as spend time with the person)

4. Be self-controlled!! Do not let your heart and emotions lead you into something before you see that it’s okay to let your heart and emotions go into it. In other words, look before you leap! Having faith is great, however, put your faith and trust in God that He won’t steer you wrong. In every facet, you can look in His word and lean not on your own understanding, rather, gain new understanding what His word says about every single facet you face as you exercise in self-control(i.e., premarital sex, instability, stability, commitment, abstinence, etc.). Don’t lie to yourself and kid yourself, keep it real 100%!

5. Ensure the person is trust-worthy! Trust is to be placed in Christ and worthy is the character of the person. It takes time to see this in fruition.

6. Check the person’s relationship with their parental figures(i.e., man->mother; woman->father). Even in the absence of whether by death or abandonment, there’s always linkage to another person in that person’s life where you can measure out the relational status and ensure it lines up with Christ’s Word in the way or love-respect-honor-loyalty-etc.

7. If others speak to you out of concern of characteristics they see that aren’t Godly in character, take heed to their words and collect them under your belt. You never know, those may be words you need later on! God uses people all the time to speak to us, even when we aren’t ready or aren’t willing to hear it right at that moment!

8. KNOW what love is: 1 Corinthians 13: 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Know that a person who ‘walks’ in love, will have these characteristics!! Take the time to know that LOVE is present within that person. IF you don’t know the meaning of any of these words, research the meaning and understand.

Love is a choice made to come together in some type of union and some type of commitment with another human being. Domestic violence is a serious matter and NO ONE deserves to be beaten physically nor emotionally. While most frequently spoken of in relationships/marriages, it holds true to all relations on other levels(i.e., parent/child, brothers/sisters, etc.). Those who desire help to overcome their anger issues will sincerely seek it out and get that help, but just the same applies to women and if a woman doesn’t desire to have this arise in her life, she too can seek out and get help! Being a victim of anger issues or a victim of a batterer is a choice we can all avoid if we join together and UNITE and find the courage and strength to STAND UP for what’s right. It’s really easy to point the finger and place all the blame, but unless you are kidnapped at gun point and held that way in a form of submission to an abuser, the truth is-there are preventative measures that can be taken. While life and people truly are imperfect and anything truly can happen, just as so people can change, taking precautionary steps is ‘for us’ as humans. Truth be told, a person who walks in love will respect a person who choose to protect one’s own heart. IF you don’t stand for SOMETHING, you stand at great risk to FALL FOR ANYTHING.

October – 2017 – Domestic Violence Survivor Month. I am a Domestic Violence Survivor since 2005!